Preparing Couples for Deployment
This debut episode of “The Military Lifestyle” podcast looks at the challenges of a military deployment from a couples perspective, a few tools for managing it, coping strategies, goal setting, common errors and the importance of good communication.
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Special Guest
Sandra Pinard has been the deployment coordinator at the CFB Esquimalt’s Military Family Resource Centre for over 15 years.
Highlights
- 3:07 Learning what are the expectations for yourself as a couple.
- Learn as much as they can about what life is going to be like for that person during deployment.
- 6:13 May detach from each other or argue with each other leading up to the deployment.
- Having those face-to-face conversations is key.
- 8:56 The importance of having a deployment budget, bill management, emergency planning, mindfulness.
- MFRC deployment app
- The importance of getting to know other people going through the same experience.
- The importance of having a support system.
- 17:55 Timezones and communication
Quotes
“But sometimes if you’re stressed out in one little thing happens, it could be enough to send you into a downward spiral for that day. So just preparing on those little things in advance is really helpful and I think it can offset those chances for you to blow something small out of proportion.” – Acting Sub Lieutenant Michelle Scott
“The most common error is that people don’t prepare for deployment. They don’t think about it, they think, oh, I’ve got this, it’s it’s only three months, you know, and it’s only six weeks. It’s the shorter deployments, I find, where people more commonly don’t prepare for they think but six weeks out what possibly go wrong in a six week period. And something could go wrong on your way home from work today.” – Sandra Pinard, Deployment Coordinator, Esquimalt MFRC
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Thank you
- This podcast is made possible by funding from True Patriot Love Foundation.
- Thank you to Organized Sound Productions for their help bringing this podcast to life.
Transcript
Intro
This podcast is made possible by funding from True Patriot Love Foundation.
Michelle
I’m Acting Sub Lieutenant Michelle Scott, I’m a public affairs officer for the Navy. Being prepared for all those little things you might not think of us like banking, massive is huge. But you know, where’s the breaker box in your house, maybe you never deal with that stuff, all those little household things, and having those discussions ahead of time because your military spouse isn’t always going to be reachable when you need to know like my power went out because the breaker blew, where the heck is the breaker? And I know that happened to me, but you know, I had a rough idea of where it was and how so it’s fine. But sometimes if you’re stressed out and one little thing happens, it could be enough to send you it can be enough to send you into a downward spiral for that day. So just preparing on those little things in advance is really helpful and I think it can offset those chances for you to blow something small out of proportion.
Intro
The military lifestyle is all encompassing. It’s difficult but rewarding. Dynamic, very, very dynamic. Unpredictable. You are in the Canadian Armed Forces or a family member connected to the military. You know, the lifestyle can be a challenge. Military lifestyle is always changing. In this podcast, we explore the world of deployments, postings, and transitions. This is The Military Lifestyle. Here’s your host, Jon Chabun.
Jon
The military lifestyle. It’s a lifestyle full of transitions. When work takes someone away from a loved one for an extended period of time. There’s definitely some prep work that needs to be done. Sandra Pinard has been the deployment coordinator at the MFRC for over 15 years and has coached military families through this process.
Hi, Sandra, how you doing today?
Sandra
I’m doing great, Jon.
Jon
Yeah, it’s great to have you.
Sandra
Thank you.
Jon
So we’re here to discuss helping couples prepare for deployment. When it comes to something like that, what are some of the challenges that couples face?
Sandra
It’s important first to explain what a couple is and in our view, a couple is anyone in a significant relationship, so that it doesn’t have to be the traditional married couple, it can be whatever two people in a committed relationship, then that’s a couple that, you know, it’s going to sort of fit in this category.
So some of the biggest challenges that I find couples face is primarily if it’s their first deployment, or this first type of deployment. We have being on a Navy base. We typically are mostly sea based deployments. But we do have land based folks who have that experience. And being in the Navy and deployment is much different and navy deployments different than a land based deployment in lots of ways, good and bad.
So I think for couples, its first learning what the expectations are for themselves and what a Navy deployment is going to bring to them. And then having those conversations before they actually set sail. My recommendation is for the at home person to learn as much as they can about what life is going to be like for that person during deployment. Can they actively get down to a ship and see how they’re going to live? Can they see how they’re going to be eating? Do they understand that the military member will be on a watch rotation. It’s not a nine to five job that they’re about to partake in. Challenges of communication, lack of communication, timezone differences. And then a lot of for the at home person it’s have they ever managed a household before? Have they ever managed a budget before? Are they familiar with Victoria? Are they new to Victoria? They lived here for a long time? When the person that you’re with as a couple is your main go to person for all sorts of things, how do you do stuff without them? And that’s some of the biggest challenges that couples face.
Jon
I’m sure couples have certain responsibilities lie with a certain person. And for me, I deal with a bunch of different things and my spouse has no idea sometimes if thrust into those situations is going to be a little awkward. So I guess communication is a huge, huge, thing.
Sandra
Communication is a huge thing and understanding for both sides understanding what the other person is about to partake in. So it’s not just about how does the at home person sort of managed with the at home stuff. It’s having the person who’s going away understand that now you’re leaving an entire household responsibility with one person. And also for the, the person who’s not deploying to understand what life is going to be like for the deploying member. So understanding that they may not be able to, you know, be in WiFi range or have be able to text every day or FaceTime. Or, you know, the differences in how they even communicate as a couple will change when they’re on a military deployment versus if they’ve just gone to another base for a course or something like that.
Jon
What are some things to watch for when it comes to a deployment?
Sandra
Well, for most units, I would hope you would watch for your pre deployment briefing. So I would really encourage both sides of the couple to come out to any unit briefings that are going to be hosted. That’s the best way for the at home person to kind of get up to speed with why is the deployment happening. Where are they going? What is the command team’s expectations during this deployment? Could things change? How is that going to be communicated back home?
Jon
And when you’re talking to an individual at these briefings, what are some things that a person themselves should be watching out for? Obviously, a lot of the pre deployment stuff is to help prepare people. So they have a good experience. If you don’t, obviously do a lot of that prep work in advance that there’s some things they’ll probably crop up, well, what have you seen,
Sandra
You know your partner, hopefully, you know, your partner. Watch for things like are you detaching from each other? Are you starting little fights or having little arguments that you wouldn’t normally have, you know, for many deployed members, they’re already sort of their brain is already out the door and partway onto the deployment and all the things they have to do. So they’ve sort of stopped participating with the at home conversations. So a lot of it is probably that detachment and withdrawal that you’ll see couples will face, for the at home person, they’re already sort of thinking about all this stuff they have to do on their own, they may be upset about having to take on all that responsibility or feeling overwhelmed. So they may also detach from the military members. So as a couple you want to watch, you know, are you kind of, you know, withdrawing into your own corners of your home before you even start your deployment. And, and like you said in the beginning, that communications going to be the biggest key for that encouraging each other to have conversations with with one another, you know, and having those face to face. Sometimes, you know, going for a walk together, getting out of the house and being able to have a chat, you know, away from TV, devices, distractions, the house, that suddenly is going to be someone’s responsibility. If you have children getting away from the children, you can have a conversation, and just a little check in but a lot of couples sort of talking about how they start to withdraw from each other before deployment, or they start to have arguments that they wouldn’t normally have.
Jon
It is pretty actually amazing when you talk to your spouse. So yeah, sometimes you just get busy, you don’t do it. Yeah. And when you actually do it, you think wow, I like this person.
Sandra
That’s right. You know, hopefully, oh, you’re in a couple relationship with your best friend, you have a friendship, a basis of friendship. That’s why you became a couple. That’s why you stayed a couple. Life’s responsibilities can sometimes lead us, you know, down a way that we forget to be just friends with one another. And to be kind and gentle with one another, you’re both going to go through a big transition. Both sides of the equation for deployment are important. Being at home is important, being the deploying person is important. Giving each other that sense of support that you’re both in this together. And yeah, and as a couple I mean, it sounds so simple, but it is just talking to one another. It’s amazing, right and turning things off or, and dedicating for some people, they have to dedicate the time. It doesn’t happen organically, you’re in the middle of chores, and housework and kids stuff and work stuff. And so you might have to actually put aside some time for it. And some space.
Jon
What are some tools that you would ever if you’re talking to somebody right now, for managing a deployment?
Sandra
Some of the ones we talked about are very practical. We talk about making a budget before the person goes away, knowing exactly sort of what bills, who has the bills, you know, which companies? And where are you doing all of that. Preparing if you have children or animals that need to be cared for what happens in case of an emergency. And then some of them are more mindful. They’re learning how to do mindful breathing, learning how to incorporate mindful movement, maybe incorporating some healthy living techniques into your diet or cooking for one. Have you ever done that before? How to do some of these things that you may not have thought of? I’m sure some of it is very practical, logistical. And some of it is more mindful and more of an experience versus a, you know, should or shouldn’t do type of conversation.
Jon
What are some strategies you have for managing a deployment?
Sandra
So some of the strategies I offer out to people include everything from certainly they can, we have an app. So those people who like to use apps and their tablets and devices, and we have a deployment app that can start offering tips and support and checklists in an electronic format. So it’s just the MFRC deployment app. I also encourage people to meet other people who are in the same, for the Navy, literally in the same boat. So if you can get down to any sort of social functions, meet a couple other people who are dealing with deployment are about to deal with deployment. And then for both sides, making sure that you’re prepared for what ifs, right, you know, what if, you know you’re not the person who likes to mow the lawn and you need to mow the lawn? What if the car breaks? What if you’re renting an apartment somewhere and you’re on the housing list for an RHU and suddenly that gets offered to you during the deployment? So what are some of the things that you can anticipate are going to happen? Those things we can help you prepare for the things you can anticipate. We try to encourage you to get a support system in place, be it peers, family, coworkers, neighbours. For a lot of people, it’s having it written down. So we do have a physical book, The BYOB or the build your own binder workshop, where folks can come in and you know, have about a 30 minute 35 or 45 minute workshop on how to build their own binder, which will then take them through all of the things and logistical things. They should have written down everything from what unit, you know, what unit does your military member belong to where they deploying? What are his or her next of kin information? What is yours? And in case of emergency, who are you going to call and who would you like called, if you have somebody acting on your behalf? And that both of you the ideal situation is that both of you do this before the military member deploys, so that both of you are aware of each other’s emergency plans that gives peace of mind to the military member because they know something happens at home. Hopefully their at home person can take care of it or has a group of people who could help them take care of it. And for the at home person. I think it gives a bit of peace of mind so that they know that they can call on somebody else besides their military member who probably was in their life is usually the number one call. But if you can’t do that call, who do you? Who do you look towards in your community?
Yeah, it is absolutely overwhelming. I mean, as a couple, there are very few couples, even those who have grown up in the military lifestyle, and they’ve now maybe started a relationship with a military person. There is nothing like having your military member deployed, or go away even our course and you’re now left holding the ball. I’m a military child, you know, myself and having my dad deployed was totally different than watching my husband deploy. And it’s that sense of you are now responsible for everything in your at home experience and your backup is not available.
Jon
Do people get overwhelmed by everything? You just listed off a whole bunch of stuff.
Sandra
Oh, yeah.
Jon
Is it oh my gosh, what have I got myself into?
You have to tell the story of one time, I think was last year you went to Ontario, or Ottawa and you left your husband alone. He was at home and what was his reaction when you work on? It was funny.
Sandra
Yeah, it was interesting. I mean, you leave. Yeah. Typically in our relationship, he’s the one that goes on the one that stays so even to go away for a couple of weeks. He was shocked at how quiet the house was. He was shocked at, oh, the milk just doesn’t magically appear. And, you know, he does have to look after a cat and bills come in, and just the logistics of running a house that he was in. You know, he’s participates when we’re both there together. But he doesn’t realize how much kind of just gets done and his biggest feel that it was good for. It was a good experience for us as a couple because he sort of got a very small taste of what it was like to be in a house by himself. For him, it struck me just how quiet it was to come home and there’s nobody to talk to how it’s you know, just this sense of over, it can be overwhelming. You’re responsible for all of this stuff. But yeah, he was pretty surprised when things just didn’t magically appear on dinner plates and refrigerators and, you know, and all this sort of stuff that he takes you take for granted as a couple of depending on who does what, you know, he’s pretty empathetic when he goes away.
Jon
And I’m sure he knows where milk comes from, right?
Sandra
Yes, he does.
Jon
He’s probably probably figured it out.
Sandra
Yeah, but not on his radar to think about, right.
Jon
No doubt.
Sandra
Groceries aren’t his thing.
Jon
How does goal setting help in a deployment?
Sandra
Well, goal setting helps in any experience, but certainly in a deployment goal setting how, if you don’t write it down, it’s never going to happen. We encourage people to have realistic goals. So if your goal during you know, your military deployment, let’s say is to paint a room or something, you may never get to it if you don’t actually write it down. So we have a little worksheet that we encourage people to actually create goals that are tangible, that makes sense. You know, very few people for example are going to become marathon runners during a six month deployment if they haven’t ever run before, but they might want to have a goal of doing a five kilometer. It’s fun to have goals as a couple. So you can encourage each other. And it’s something new and exciting. When you’re the at home person, it does give you a bit of space to be away from your partner to try things that you may never have tried before. So you may be your goal is to learn a new skill or craft or language, and it can help make the time of a deployment go faster. And because you’ve got something new and exciting to sort of try.
Jon
Are there common errors that people make? Do you find that that, people, history repeats itself?
Sandra
Yeah, the most common error is that people don’t prepare for deployment. They don’t think about it, they think, oh, I’ve got this. It’s it’s only three months, you know, and, or it’s only six weeks. It’s the shorter deployments I find, where people more commonly don’t prepare for they think but six weeks out what could possibly go wrong in a six week period. And something could go wrong on your way home from work today. Like it doesn’t really have a timeline of when things happen to you. But the most common ones usually are people don’t prepare at all. They don’t plan a budget. So you’ve got a military member in a foreign port, debiting money out of an account, you’re at home debiting money out of an account, neither one of you were talking about it, and maybe then something you know, you’re ending up in the black or the red, whichever ways, whichever way.
Jon
the black is good, the red is bad.
Sandra
So you end up in the red or, you know, so those types of things are quite common where people don’t talk about finances, or people who have everything set up to be prepaid. So everything’s an automatic deposit or an automatic withdraw but the at home person isn’t aware of what amounts are coming out and then they get a little bit shocked when they check their banking but not preparing is usually the most common thing. People not meeting other people in the community. So they get quite isolated.
Jon
Do people hunker down and just try to ..
Sandra
Some people just hunker down and how to muscle through it. And those are the ones I typically meet on the jetty at the end of a deployment. And they’ll come up to the MFRC tent and go, Oh, if I’d only known you existed. A common behavior is people don’t maybe seek out the MFRC until they’re in crisis. I would much rather people talk and come in and have the conversation before deployment, or in the early stages of deployment before crisis, so that we can either try to avoid some of these crisis or have you at least prepared so that you have a toolkit to draw in on. It’s very difficult when someone is in midst of crisis to then try to help them problem solve. Everything is heightened and everything is a sense of urgency at that point.
Jon
You were talking earlier about expectations being huge. When it comes to communication, what are some things to think about there?
Sandra
Time zones, I would say is the first one but also communication on a ship is going to be much different. Some ships are now moving into an era where they’re going to maybe have Wi Fi on board. So they might be able to use personal accounts and FaceTime, Skype.
Jon
Is that good?
Sandra
Yeah, the jury’s still out on that one.
Jon
I mean, communication is great but …
Sandra
Yeah, it can be really good the problem with as when it goes down, either for operational reasons, or when it goes down, just because the ship can’t handle the bandwidth or whatever technology is not always going to be constant when you’re in the middle of the ocean, firing to a satellite for your data. And so the the fear I have for that is that people will stop making connections in the community. They’ll stop coming out of their homes and making friends during deployment because they feel like well, I can just text my member and he’ll get back to me or she will get back to me. And I’ll just send, you know, we’ll Skype every night. And then when you’re not able to do that, what ramification does that have on you and what concerns will that bring up for a couple.
Jon
It’s interesting. We live in such an instant world. I’m sure if you if you text a friend, and they don’t reply, in a couple minutes, you’re wondering what the heck, what’s wrong with this person? I texted you. Yeah and and when you graph that on to something like a military deployment, wow, it’s yeah, somebody might be in the midst of a 12 hour day or something.
Sandra
Yeah, and for military members mean they’re busy, they’re working shift work. A lot of them are typically either working sleeping or eating or trying to get their other relaxation done working out doing their PT, doing their laundry, there’s lots of stuff that happens on a ship and, and some military members may just be get to a point where they just can’t, you know, plug into personal stuff. They just need to stay in a military, you know, sort of operational mindset for and that might be a coping technique for them. Just like the at home person. It can be a lot if your military member is messaging you and texting you every sort of 10 minutes or every hour, you’re trying to have a social life, you’re trying to go out and integrate into the community, maybe you’re going to the gym. So you’re not also at the beck and call of someone who’s texting or emailing or trying to FaceTime with you. And that’s where, you know, the younger generation, who is more tech savvy and more used to this instant messaging type of relationship. It’s difficult when they go on deployment, because that suddenly goes down a little bit. So we really encourage people to meet other people in their community, and to come up with some healthy habits and healthy relationships and help them get through it.
Jon
So when should people seek assistance? And where can they go for help if they do need it?
Sandra
So the sooner the better. I would encourage people is, you know, if you’re really new to this lifestyle, as soon as your military members attached to any ship, I would say come on into the MFRC and at least update your information. Find out is there a family network for that ship, find out is their Facebook page. So all of our family networks have Facebook pages for each of the ships, plus the submarines and 443, get onto those pages. So you can meet people, at least virtually.
And if people are wondering why we’re talking so much about ships is because there’s lots of ships here. And that’s the primary I’m sir, like, high a high percentage of deployments are ship based deployments because we’re primarily a Navy base. But there are land based.
There are land based, and we do have a family network for the land based deployments. And they are different. So we don’t lump our land based deployed members, families in with ship families, they’re just different experiences. So we do support all types of deployment. And as well as coursing, and people who are on imposed restriction, but I would, I would encourage people to sort of seek out the pre deployment checklist, the pre deployment app, the pre deployment sort of phase of information as soon as they know. They’re attached to any unit that’s going to be deploying, which at CFB Esquimalt is, you know, almost all of the ships anyway. And the sooner the better.
Jon
So is there anything else that you would mention when it comes to deployment and couples?
Sandra
Yeah, for couples? I mean, we touched on it, right? The biggest thing is for couples is to communicate. So for the military members out there, I would certainly encourage them as they know, their sailing schedule, to really let your families and loved ones know what that’s going to be. So they can start to anticipate how long you’re going to be gone for. On this coast, deployments are also, you know, a ship may be going away for three, four or five months. But there’s also workups before that, and there’s trials before that. So it’s a cumulative experience that a family will have of how long someone’s going to be away for. So communicating all of that, particularly to newer families who aren’t quite used to the tempo of being posted to a ship versus a land based deployment. And really, for couples, I would encourage them to get there to do their BYOB binder, and get some of their checklist in place, download the app. Military members, it’s a different app for you, that is for the your partner. So military members can download their own version and start working through checklists. And then when they get to a point in the checklist, that they’re not quite sure how to go forward or they don’t have an answer for that item. They can call on us and we can help them through that. We’re here to help our job at the MFRC is really to help members deploy successfully and to help families manage whatever challenges may come up. And the best way to manage a deployment really to be just to try to be as prepared as possible for what you know what it’s going to be like. And for people who it’s their only their first or second time doing this. Really coming out and meeting those who have been in the lifestyle bit longer. And sharing those experiences like the best what you can learn from or your fellow spouses.
Jon
Thank you very much for your time, Sandra.
Sandra
Welcome.
Jon
So if you’re interested in the deployment app search MFRC deployment wherever you download your apps. The everything binder is a great tool that takes all the information you need at a moment’s notice puts it in one place. Visit EsquimaltMFRC.com/binder to learn more.
Extro
Thank you for listening to this episode of the military lifestyle. To learn more about this episode, and to check out our other resources like the deployment app, go to EsquimaltMFRC.com. A special thanks to True Patriot Love Foundation for funding season one of this podcast and to Organized Sound Productions for bringing our idea to life. Please share this podcast with your military family or with someone living the lifestyle. Subscribe to The Military Lifestyle on your favorite podcast app. Your support is greatly appreciated. Thank you.
