Resilience through Challenging Times
Military families learn to be resilient through living the military lifestyle. A pandemic might be the perfect time to lean in on those skills. Let’s examine how life has changed and what can help military families through this experience.
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Special Guest
Pauline Sibbald is a social worker with the Transition Centre at CFB Esquimalt.
Highlights
- 2:28 Lives have been turned upside down and Covid-19 as a significant life altering event.
- Grieving the loss of our lives.
- 12:22 Talking to kids about the pandemic.
- 20:14 Military families might have the skills to handle the pandemic.
- R2MR The Road to Mental Readiness and its application to Covid-19.
- Can we distract ourselves nowadays?
- Staying connected in a world that preaches physical distancing.
Quotes
“We are truly stronger together. When you live this military lifestyle, you kind of live your life in two to three year increments. That’s the cycle of deployment. That’s the posting cycle. That’s career progression. But with that there’s all this adaptation that comes into play as well. Part of living the military lifestyle. There have been opportunities along the way, where people may have been able to learn some skills to help them cope through when dealing with COVID.”
– Pauline Sibbald
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Thank you
- Thank you to Organized Sound Productions for their help bringing this podcast to life.
Transcript by Otter.ai
Pauline
We are truly stronger together. When you live this military lifestyle, you kind of live your life in two to three year increments. That’s the cycle of deployment. That’s the posting cycle. That’s career progression. But with that there’s all this adaptation that comes into play as well. Part of living the military lifestyle. There have been opportunities along the way, where people may have been able to learn some skills to help them cope through when dealing with COVID as well.
Intro
The military lifestyle is all encompassing. It’s difficult, but rewarding. Dynamic, very, very dynamic. Unpredictable. You are in the Canadian Armed Forces, or a family member connected to the military. You know, the lifestyle can be a challenge. The military lifestyle is always changing. In this podcast, we explore the world of deployment, postings and transition. This is the military lifestyle. Here’s your host, Jon Chabun.
Jon
Resilience. Military Families learn to be resilient through living the lifestyle. A pandemic might be the perfect time to lean in on those skills. Let’s chat with Pauline Sibbald, social worker at the Transition Centre in Esquimalt, about how life has changed and what can help military families through this experience.
Jon
Welcome back, Pauline, how you doing today?
Pauline
I’m doing well. Thanks.
Jon
I know it’s an I call it new world, new Times. Life looks different right now and it’s everywhere. And it seems to impact everything. We’re talking about resiliency through challenging times, but challenging times. Could be coronavirus, pandemic, COVID-19 seems like it would be a good way to.
Pauline
A global world crisis.
Jon
Yeah, a global world crisis. Yes. Every country affected. Yes. So looking how life has changed. I look at just myself. Our daycares closed, I know people who’ve lost their jobs. I’m working from home. I know people that are working from home, I have a kid at home. We know that schools are closed. So things are looking like massively different for us as a society.
Pauline
In the space of a few short weeks, our lives have been turned upside down and COVID-19 as a significant life altering event. And as we said, it’s at global right. It really is about the collective now, and we’re all learning as we go. So how to adapt through and how to cope through.
Jon
And there seems to be like there’s a new set of rules to follow. I give some examples, grocery shopping lineups, sometimes outside of the stores, being told where to stand. Don’t stand here, stand there. Please move back, sir.
Pauline
I think it really kind of challenges sort of the assumptions that we have about kind of our worlds and how we show up in our worlds as well. So I think we’ve been bombarded by news. It’s back to back coverage. It’s social media. And it’s almost like an assault or we’re under siege from an invisible enemy that we know is out there. But it’s elusive as well. So and I think that really raises, it brings us into contact with our sense of vulnerability, our sense of that lack of control, that everything isn’t within our power to be able to control and manage. It brings us I think, right into that sense of safety and security as well. Kind of if we had a worldview that if you work hard in this world, you get what you need, like a just world, right? Good things happen to good people. And now we’re seeing it seems a little bit random with COVID-19. We’re getting information changes rapidly. We’re getting a lot of different information. So that news of yesterday may not be relevant to today and what we’re hearing as well. So it’s in that rapid change, how do we kind of move through that and kind of keep grounded and balanced?
Jon
Yeah. And just with yourself. Going back to shopping, what have your experiences been there?
Pauline
Well, I mean, it’s interesting because I’m someone who lives with asthma. So what I’m really conscious of now is a cough is not just a cough anymore. So when first couple of times, I was a little bit worried going into the store. One was, you know, I’m used to navigating your store, however, you know, I go to damn different aisles. But then now, it was it’s okay, now I have to be really conscious of what direction I’m walking, I have to be conscious of what square I’m standing on. Sometimes it’s really palpable in terms of the energy that’s sort of around you. There’s some people who that energy is they’re fearful, and just trying to get through a move through and get out. And other people who are kind of looking a little bit for some type of social contact, so they might smile or they might nod to you, not a lot of conversation, people are just going about their business. But yeah, I mean, it really is. It’s a very different way of showing up in this world right now.
Jon
Even something like going for a walk nowadays, you’re walking down the sidewalk and somebody’s walking towards you. And all of a sudden there, it starts activating a six foot buffer around you. Sometimes people even be walking on the streets, just to avoid you and or crossing the street to the other side of the street and it’s kind of neat. I’m not saying this is bad. But it’s it’s actually really kind of cool to see this unspoken new rules acceptance and everybody looking out for each other.
Pauline
Well, it’s like the rules of engagement, right? Everyone is kind of learning and adapting as you go. It’s like walking the dog is even before you get close to the person, it’s kind of like you’re, it’s like a plan. Am I the one who’s gonna cross the road? Will they cross the road? And it really is those social rules of engagement are shifting.
Jon
And yes, social rules, I mean, social impacts, I think of just getting together with friends and family. Something as simple as that.
Pauline
Brings us into sort of the reminders of the losses that we have in so many ways, Dr. Darcy Harris, I think she puts it really well in terms of when she talks about grieving the loss of living our lives. So pre COVID What did that look like and in the space of a short few weeks, that’s been shattered for a lot of us. Look at rules of engagement, we’re re-learning. How do we engage in this new time of COVID? And I think when we kind of talk about the losses within the military community, and when our families are experiencing deployment, they can come to the MFRC, that’s a lot of deployment activities that go on. So even for the military community, it really is that loss of that connection, that physical connection. So really focusing on how to be socially connected during this time. Think some of the other losses that I’m hearing from some of our families and people that I know is, you know, they plan vacations. We’re not going to have those vacations this year, rites of passage, you know, really feeling for students who are graduating from high school, and those graduations are not going to take place. So how do you create sort of a ceremony or ritual to be able to celebrate that when they’re not going to be with their peer group, and not have you know, the walking across the stage and the prom all of those things, even what does University look like coming in the fall? It’s all the unknowns. Going to the gym, people think things we used to take for granted. Right? going to the gym, going, shopping, taking a walk and, and not worrying about is the someone close to me, all of those things. It’s like this bubble kind of burst.
Jon
You remember when you go shopping and you wouldn’t actually buy something you just go into shop?
Pauline
Window shop. Yeah, absolutely. But it’s all the things that we used to do that we could call distractions, from our busy days, that all of a sudden here we are. And it’s kind of work with ourselves. I think one of the things that has come out of this is it’s almost like there’s a forced slow down. What I’m hearing from some people is they’re getting more intentional about how they want their lives to be what’s showing up for them. They’re engaging in different activities as well, they have time to try out different things. It doesn’t mean that those losses aren’t still there and that they’re not grieving those losses.
Jon
I’m grieving. I’m looking at my my plans for this year, we initially planned to go on a vacation, we plan to go to Japan and realized I yeah, that’s not gonna happen. And then, then we’re thinking, oh, maybe a backup plan, maybe we’ll go to Quebec, and then that’s not gonna happen either. So even little trips, like camping trips, we’ve had, my daughter and I would go on a camping trip. It was just me and my daughter hanging out really, and we’re like, it got canceled. BC parks cancelled campground visits. But yeah, day to day things like things to look forward to. My daughter, her swimming lessons, even going to the library and taking out books. I know people say, oh, you missed the library. It’s like yes. So when the pandemic hits I actually had 20 children’s books from the library just by coincidence. Yeah, I had 20 children’s books and there’s a huge stack of books beside my bed that I read to my child but in addition to the books that we already own, but little things like that and just like you’re talking about like distraction and I like watching TV and some TV shows that have been impacted by that, it’s like you’ve impacted my. I never got to watch the season finale of Walking Dead, never happened. Movies. I love watching like the Marvel movies is like, they’ve been delayed as like, oh, who knows when we’ll see that and or even, I mean, huge hockey fan. I love the Canucks and I want to see if they’re actually gonna make the playoffs this year, To be continued or maybe not to be continued. I’m not sure. So yeah, in terms of like, impact.
Pauline
And all that structure and their routine and their predictability. That we are so used to and that we kind of walk with in this world. When that changes, and it’s not by choice. We know that what happens in our outside world will absolutely impact our internal coping capacity. And we’re seeing that right? We’re seeing huge challenges. And yet we’re also seeing some really positive things come out of that as well. And I think if you look to the MFRC and our family network volunteers, who are working tirelessly and all of our MFRC volunteers who are leaning in and stepping up and trying to support as best that they can. And I think that’s the thing about the military community, we are truly stronger together in that way. It doesn’t mean that we’re not impacted and that we’re not grieving sort of that future, like those hopes and dreams that we had and how we were going to move through this year. And I think that’s one thing about that when you live this military lifestyle you kind of live your life in two to three year increments. It really is about that future orientation. That’s the cycle of deployment. That’s the posting cycle. That’s career progression. But with that this all this adaptation that comes into play as well. Part of living the military lifestyle is there have been opportunities along the way, where people may have been able to learn some skills to help them cope through when dealing with COVID as well.
Jon
I spoke earlier about having a child at home work trying to work from home when it comes to having a child and then this pandemic. For myself. What I’ve done is I tried to explain the importance of giving space to people. Early on, we talked to my daughter about that people were getting sick, it was sort of like when we got the flu back in January, sort of like that and how it was very important to give people space but also very important to have good hand hygiene, to wash your hands. And she’s really embraced that I think this is like she’s taken to sing Happy Birthday while she washes her hands. She’s been very, very diligent about that. She’s gone from singing happy birthday to her cousin Cameron. Then to her mom, she’s singing sang Happy Birthday to her stuffy penguin. She’s even saying Happy Birthday to Bok Choy. Apparently we eat a lot of bok choy in our family, I guess something like that. But yeah, the impact on kids with this, I kind of worry that I’m not going to be as good enough a parent.
Pauline
And I think we know that if parents are coping, children are going to cope too, right? And children picked up on the emotional energy in the home. The idea of the washing of the hands. I have friends who are sending me videos of their children singing songs while they’re washing their hands, which I think is a really neat idea. Um, one family talked about how they had explained the coughing into your elbow or sneezing into your elbow. And they likened it to the count on Sesame Street. So when you bring your arm around like a vampire and you cough into your elbow, and I said, that’s a really creative idea, and a creative way. So it was pretty simple when you think about it. But it’s also an explanation that was simple, relevant, but it also is age appropriate. And I think that’s the piece. We don’t want to scare our children. They need information that is age appropriate, and they will pick up on the emotional energy. So it really is parents, making sure that you’re taking care of yourselves too.
Jon
I think it’s amazing that there’s a small child living in my home that knows the word pandemic and COVID-19 and saying, oh, maybe we can do this after the pandemic.
Pauline
And that’s the piece, right? It’s the language as well. What will our children learn through this as well. I’m a strong believer and sort of that innate wisdom. And that’s adults and children as well. And that capacity to handle and move through as long as there’s supports in place. And that’s a piece as a family, it’s a family system, making sure that there’s supports in place for everybody in that home.
Jon
I spoke about how this impacts everything and it’s everywhere. I personally have had dentist appointments cancelled. I’m due to see the optometrist. I can’t go to the chiropractor can’t even do something like go see a registered massage therapist. For myself, I just do it just because I want to maintain a good health level. But I know for other people this is like devastating because they’re not able to access services that they desperately need.
Pauline
Even things like I will hug my hairdresser when we eventually get back to this.
Jon
You hug nobody.
Pauline
And I don’t hug, exactly. So it’s kind of like yeah, those are the things in terms of the day to day things that we kind of take for granted. And part of it is, it’s the protocols and procedures that are there to keep us safe, that are also having impacts as well. Right. So the, we don’t talk in terms of socially distancing, we talked about physically distancing, because we want people to stay socially connected. It’s so important that people at this time in particular are reaching out and leaning in and being more intentional in staying in touch and whether that’s using picking up the phone or using virtual platforms, whatever form it takes.
Jon
Use the phone as a phone, potentially, and it has totally engulfed everything I know TV news, start to finish seems dominated even something like free radio commercials. Seems like every radio commercials mentioning it, and you see every business impacted.
Pauline
Yep, where can we take some control there? Right? We can unplug. We can turn off, we can choose to take a vacation from media. I’m all about people staying informed, and using reliable sources to do that. But it really is how can you create some structure in your day so that you have a flow, a sense of routine, a sense of control. And part of that is limiting some of that media exposure. If you’re choosing to sit with the TV, getting some reliable information, it’s really important that you balance that with looking out what is some of the positive things that are happening in this world as well. There are so many people who will leaning in to support and help and support socially connect with people globally.
Jon
Yeah, there’s so many authors and illustrators that are doing amazing things.
Pauline
Absolutely.
Jon
Really giving a lot of their time. My daughter, now show I wake up in the morning and demand Greg Pizzoli. Or it’s like, oh, it’s lunchtime. Mac Barnett, which is.
Pauline
Even some of our teachers, right. I mean, I’ve looked at some of the videos that I’ve seen where teachers who are doing art online and teachable moments as well. So I think people are getting really creative and innovative. And that’s novelty. And I think when we’re looking at how do we cope through this, we know that that’s kind of an important thing to do as well. We can freeze or we can mobilize, and I’m seeing people mobilizing. So I’m seeing people trying to create a sense of predictability within their life. I’m seeing people be more intentional. I’m seeing people choosing to use nature as a natural resource. I mean, this morning, I was looking out at my apple tree and it’s blooming. I’m ignoring the weeds in my yard. I know I’ll get to them at some point, but it’s kind of like nature. It’s a constant. It is all about regrowth. And rejuvenation as well. So it’s hard not to go out there and kind of lean in and just kind of breathe in that air as well.
Jon
So I got an email from the paint store, also got an email from a mattress company, explaining how they were going to support me through COVID-19.
Pauline
Literally.
Jon
Mattress company, you’re gonna support me at night when I’m sleeping.
Pauline
But even things like takeout Wednesdays, I can’t remember exactly what they call it, but it’s kind of how do you support small businesses? or how are you supporting restaurants? So small things that we can do, and it’s not every day, right? There are people who have been absolutely impacted financially with COVID losing their jobs, and that’s within our military community as well. We have partners who may have lost their employment because of what’s happening right now. But it’s what is some of those small definable ways that we can step up.
Jon
Military families are used to having lives disrupted, following orders, making sacrifices, dealing with uncertainty. You talked about dealing with change. So dealing with uncertainty dealing with change, dealing with challenges, would you say that the lifestyle can prepare people?
Pauline
Well, I would say that you have to one thing that is certain about military lifestyle is change. When you live the lifestyle, you’re going to be exposed to certain unique aspects of the lifestyle. As we talked about sort of the deployment, relocation, things can change in a heartbeat depending on what’s happening in the world as well. So our families get used to holding on and letting go to a certain degree and learning how to adapt. Certainly there are times when our coping capacities are challenged. When your loved one is away and something happens in your home or your children, someone gets sick. That challenges us. Absolutely. But I think there’s also tends to be a lot of resource rich opportunities within our community as well. One thing that springs to mind is just you know, R2MR Road to mental readiness. It’s four key skills that you can practice. What I hear from families, or what I have heard is that you know that they’re focusing on the breathing, but they’re finding that they’re inhaling, and forgetting to exhale. Part of it is tactical breathing counter for, so you’re focused on that breath, breathing in and breathing out. And with children, I often use bubbles, because you can actually see that so they are actually controlling the breath as they’re blowing the bubble. Or some people will say use imagery. So a balloon, when you’re breathing in that balloon in your tummy expands, and then when you breathe out, then the balloon flattens, as well. So it’s just using imagery sometimes with children it is a little bit easier. And I think sometimes when adults are kind of reaching their capacity, that imagery can really help in terms of grounding, any skill set that you’re going to do. I think self talk is another one that they talk about in R2MR so it really is catching those thoughts. People might say, I don’t like this right now and I can stand in it. So it’s catching that thought and turning it sort of into a neutral place. Using visualization, a lot of people are choosing mindfulness, relaxation, guided imagery to how to get them through as well. Some people using music, meditative music or just making playlists. I’ve heard of people doing COVID-19 playlists to get them through as well. And also setting goals right, we would normally set goals. This is also a time to continue to set goals. What does that look like? What do you want to work on? But making sure that it’s chunked down so that it’s actually doable. I decided one of my goals was to learn how to knit. I have a daughter who’s a teacher. I was she works in a cold province. I was going to knit mittens for her classroom this year. I learned very quickly, that it’s not my thing. So I could have forced myself to continue. But it’s kind of like, I’m sure in this world, we’ll be able to figure out how to get her some mittens for her classroom. So she has some extras. It’s not me.
Jon
Well, you tried.
Pauline
I did try. Yeah. And I think part of it too, is really everyone is going to their experience of coping through COVID-19 is going to be unique for them. And it really is about honoring that feeling and feeling that feeling, but it’s also labeling it. When we have young children, we expand their emotional vocabulary, as adults sometimes when our system is overloaded. We’re feeling overwhelmed. Sometimes we don’t label that feeling. And I think it’s really important to be conscious now about labeling it and feeling it and moving it through your system. So what does that look like for people? You can’t pretend this isn’t happening.
Jon
Yeah. And you’d spoke about unplugging earlier, which I think is great advice. But I wonder how how do we distract ourselves nowadays?
Pauline
Well, I’m that’s the thing, right? It’s you’ve got to get some creative and novel ways. I think people do have the capacity to do that. I think though, there might be things, you know, there’s ways to escape in a book. There’s ways to escape in music, you could tap into your creative side. Some people it could be drawing, it could be painting, it could be sculpting. There’s lots of different ways, but it’s kind of like, it’s almost like the courage to try something novel.
Jon
So I can become a dancer. Is that what you’re saying?
Pauline
Absolutely, Jon. You can become a dancer.
Jon
I don’t know if you want to see that. And limiting media exposure earlier you spoke about that as well.
Pauline
I think there needs to be a balance.
Jon
But it’s so funny. I’m just got it ingrained in my daily ritual of like, kind of check the news, what’s new, gotta keep up to date. And then maybe at a point it was, it was important because the news was shifting so much from day to day, but now it just feels like oh my gosh, I don’t think I can. I can get through this.
Pauline
You have to be careful of getting saturated. Yeah, right. Because it is bombarding. Absolutely. And as I said before, so important that we stay informed and knowledgeable, but it’s okay to give yourself permission to kind of step away. When I first found out that we weren’t going to be coming into the office anymore. I collected up all my books that I was going to read all of the things that I was going to do. For the first few weeks when I was working online, I was going down rabbit hole holes because I love research. And there was so much information coming out that I would be spending 12 hours on the computer. So I have to make a conscious effort to step away from that because we all only have limited emotional energy. And we have to use that energy to be able to kind of move us through what we’re dealing with right now. So it really is about finding a balance.
Jon
How do we stay connected with others in a world that practices physical distancing?
Pauline
It’s a tricky one, isn’t it? I think some people will adapt more easily than others. I think if you’re technologically challenged, it’s a difficult place to be right now. We said before use your phone as a phone, right? Picking up. I think you have to be intentional about staying socially connected, and it’s leaning in as well. So I think it takes a huge amount of courage to recognize that you’re feeling like you’re slogging through mud, and that you need some external supports. So part of it would be in our community if I was looking just within the military community. So what would be some of the resources that people could reach out to, so they could reach out if they’re part of a family network, they can reach out to that family network volunteer and the coordinator to find out what’s going on. They can be part of that Facebook group, they can be getting information, they can reach out to friends, they can reach out to the social workers and the counselors within the MFRC team who are locally here who can pick up and just have a conversation. Everybody has a difficult day. And part of it is recognizing when your system is overloaded. And maybe you need to externalize some of the things that are going on. Our community has the Canadian Forces Member Assistance Program, so you can access counselors through that system. Family Information Line is 24-seven. So those would be some of the formal supports, but this informal supports as well. I’m getting really good with FaceTime. And normally I would just use FaceTime to stay in touch with my kids. But now I’m staying in touch with other people using FaceTime or using Skype or Zoom. So there’s different mediums that you can use as well. Sometimes my concern is for our families who have a loved one who is deployed right now, because my concern is that they’re going to feel that loss, more heightened, because they’ve lost a significant part of their support system, the families that were getting ready for posting and now that’s all on hold. That’s a challenging place to be when it’s hurry up and wait, are the members and families who are getting ready to retire or who were leaving the military community as well. That’s on hold. So it really is how do you kind of manage that day to day rhythm? When you’re in a holding pattern? It’s challenging.
Jon
Definitely. Is there anything else you’d mentioned before we wrap up?
Pauline
Well, I think for me, I am when I talk about the social media and the TV and balancing. For me, I tend to go and my check in is always with Dr. Bonnie Henry. And her be calm, be kind, be safe. I think that’s kind of becoming a little bit of a mantra for us here in BC. And remembering that this isn’t forever, we’re going to get through this. It is right now we’re in the moment. So it really is about what’s happening for us in the present, doesn’t mean it’s going to define everything that we do in the future.
Jon
Thank you very much for your time.
Pauline
Thanks.
Jon
If you want to learn more about R2MR or the road to mental readiness, there’ll be a link in the show notes. If you got feedback or ideas for other episodes, feel free to send them along, email us at communications@esquimaltmfrc.com. Or send it to us via Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, love to hear from you.
Extro
Thank you for listening to this episode of The Military Lifestyle. To learn more about this episode, and to check out our other resources like the deployment app, go to esquimaltmfrc.com. A special thanks to Organized Sound Productions for bringing our idea to life. Please share this podcast with your military family or with someone living the lifestyle. Subscribe to the military lifestyle on your favorite podcast app. Your support is greatly appreciated. Thank you for listening.
