Problem Solving in Relationships
By Kaitlyn Ross
Social Worker
Esquimalt MFRC
According to the 2017 Canadian Morale and Welfare Services Report, many Canadian Armed Forces (CAF) members and family member’s cited communicating/expressing feelings, arguments and growing apart or in different directions as the most common relationship problems affecting them. Military lifestyle can have a significant impact on couples and their relationships. Problems arise in every relationship, and every couple has their own way of managing them. Unresolved relationship issues can be a major source of stress. Research indicates that successful relationships are not those that have fewer problems, but those that have found effective means of solving the problems that arise.
Here are Robert Taibbi’s six-step process to tackling and solving problems in your relationship:
Define your problem and solution
You understand you are upset, frustrated, or angry but what is the problem? Sometimes we focus on the symptom but fail to acknowledge the cause. For example, someone might be upset their partner bought a new truck but the problem is how they are spending and managing their money. Take the time and space to clearly define what bothers you the most. Determine how you feel and why. Anger can be a common reaction, but try to peel back another layer and ask yourself what worries you or hurts your feelings? Instead of only communicating complaints, be clear about what you would like to be different in positive, concrete and specific terms.
Plan a time to talk
Be intentional when you choose to engage in meaningful conversation. Now that you know the problem and are clear on a solution, set yourselves up for success and pick a time when you are both likely to be calm, relaxed and able to listen. Give your partner time to prepare. You can send them a message suggesting a time and giving a preview of your discussion. For example, “I’m worried about our budget and the way we are spending our money, could we sit down on Saturday morning before the kids get up and talk about this?” This gives your partner a heads-up about your concerns and schedules a time that works for both of you.
Talking and listening
Start by talking about your perception of the problem, your concern and your proposed solution. For example, “I know I seemed upset about your new truck but I realized what was really bothering me about it was…” Use “I” statements instead of “you” statements. “I feel frustrated when you purchase expensive things because…” compared to “you never consult me before you make big purchases.” Talking about yourself can help keep your partner from feeling blamed or attacked, which mitigates the probability they will respond defensively. Do your best to remain calm and focus on actively listening when your partner is speaking, instead of focusing solely on what you want to say. If you notice that angry or defensive responses arise, it is important to stop before the situation gets out of control. Express that you would like to take a break and commit to a time to re-visit the conversation. If things have gone well, ask for your partner’s reaction. The goal is to hear each other and have a sincere and productive conversation. See each other as part of the same team, working together for the relationship.
Decide on a plan
If you both agree about the problem, then it’s time to agree on a plan of action. Make it specific, timely and ensure you are addressing both of your worries and preferences. For example, “We both agree to come up with a monthly budget and share it with one another next Saturday morning.” Ensure both of you are engaged and committed to the plan.
Evaluate
Try out your plan and evaluate. The evaluation is about honesty and fine-tuning. “Now that we have both presented our monthly budgets, we agree it would be best to make an appointment with a financial planner for extra support.” If there are proposed changes keep them clear and concrete. Secondly, give each other feedback on the process itself. “Was it helpful for you to talk about this? Did you feel I was giving you a hard time when I first started talking?” Keep in mind you are both learning a new skill. Knowing what worked and what could be improved will make future efforts at problem solving more effective and comfortable.
Say what you like
Learning to navigate difficult conversations may feel overwhelming and awkward at first but don’t get discouraged, with practice it will get easier. It will never hurt to continue to give your partner positive feedback and comments. In fact, research indicates if you want to create a positive and supportive environment for your relationships, you need to give each other four times the positive comments than the negative ones. This support discourages you from returning to old communication habits and patterns and encourages you to build new communication skills.
When learning effective problem solving and communication skills, be aware you can’t do it wrong. If a conversation goes off-course, circle back and try it again. The purpose is not to get it right but to try to do it differently. The more you practice problem solving and communicate with your partner, the easier it will become for future problems. If you feel you still need additional support in figuring out what specifically is bothering you, or you feel overwhelmed by the number of problems you’re worried about, consider seeking professional help. Contact your local Military Family Resource Centre for options.
Adapted from Robert Taibbi – The Art of Solving Relationship Problems