Preparing Couples for Reunion
For couples experiencing a military deployment, a homecoming isn’t always like the movies. Reintegration can be a challenge. Let’s take a look at what people are feeling and a few tips to have a smooth reunion.
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Special Guest
Sandra Pinard is the Deployment Coordinator at the Esquimalt Military Family Resource Centre.
Highlights
- What people are feeling leading up to reunion
- Is reunion stressful?
- 5:38 Homecoming is not what you see in the movies
- Communication tips
- 8:38 Give yourself the same amount of time as the length of the deployment
- Intimacy
- 16:50 All feelings are normal
- 19:25 Discourage surprises
- Ease back into things
- Don’t be too firm on scheduling things
Quotes
“Couples have to renegotiate all of the different parts of being a couple, not just the intimate part, not just the who mows the lawn.” – Sandra Pinard
“So homecoming is not what you see in the movies. It is not this military member is in their white uniform, running down the jetty to their spouse who’s in a dress and high heels and then they go off into the romantic sunset. That is not generally the case of what homecoming is like.” – Sandra Pinard
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- Thank you to Organized Sound Productions for their help bringing this podcast to life.
Transcript by Otter.ai
Sandra
When you’re coming back into the household. Things that you maybe used to do, somebody else has been carrying those balls and maybe they’re doing a great job. And they don’t want to let them go. Couples have to renegotiate all of the different parts of being a couple, not just the intimate part, not just the who mows the lawn. It’s all the things that took place. The household kept running, while the military member was away. Now the military member has to figure out how do I integrate myself back into my home without just taking over.
Intro
The military lifestyle is all encompassing. It’s difficult, but rewarding. Dynamic, very, very dynamic. Unpredictable. You are in the Canadian Armed Forces, or a family member connected to the military. You know, the lifestyle can be a challenge. The military lifestyle is always changing. In this podcast, we explore the world of deployments, postings and transitions. This is the military lifestyle. Here’s your host, Jon Chabun.
Jon
The military lifestyle is full of transitions. When they leave and when they come home — both can be a challenge. For couples, reintegration ain’t always easy. Sandra Pinard has been the deployment coordinator at the MFRC in Esquimalt for over 15 years and returns to talk about homecoming and reunion. So a few months ago, we talked with Sandra about preparing couples for deployment. Thought we’d do the flip side, preparing couples for reunion and take a look at that. So when you look at the transition from operations, what are people feeling, Sandra?
Sandra
Well, start with the person that’s at home so the person that’s been left behind, when they’re transitioning from being apart from their loved one to about to see them about to see them could be several weeks, you know, this doesn’t happen overnight, you start thinking about it up to, you know, six weeks to a month before your member comes back to you. And some of it is excitement for sure. Some of it is relief that someone else is going to come and help carry the the burden or the load of what you’ve been carrying with your home and life and all the stuff that you take on by yourself when you’re a single person, but part of a couple and the other half is gone. And some of it is anxiety. It is, you know, you’re worried about does that person still want to be with you. You’re worried about, did they miss you as much as I missed them? Or maybe I didn’t miss them as much as they missed me? Couples can worry about just about anything and twist things into any sort of way that’s going to suit what they’re concerned about that moment in time. I think the dominant feeling is usually for most people quite excited to get their person back and then depending on where they are in their relationship. There’s some work that has to go on to reintegrate or some people naturally, they’ve done it enough times that they naturally phase through it.
Jon
Now, is it a stressful experience?
Sandra
For some people? Yes. And the stress comes in lots of different ways. Maybe, you know, we talked about for preparing for deployment, maybe you made that wish list and you said you were going to paint the bathroom and you were going to refinish two pieces of furniture, you were going to start a new fitness program, and all the different things that you said, you’re going to get done through a deployment. And inevitably, most of those things don’t get done for most people. You make a great wish list and maybe you’ve ticked a couple of those things off. But we generally have higher aspirations than what becomes the reality of of dealing with deployment. So sometimes that’s the concern of I didn’t get it all done. Did I change? Did they change? Is our home tidy? Is, you know, you’re worried about the appearances of things because this person is coming back into your space, and what they’re going to be like. It’s all it’s gonna be different depending on what the couple has been communicating back and forth throughout the whole deployment will be someone’s perspective will be much different than somebody else’s.
Jon
I’m not sure if this is true, but military members, I would assume that they would be just completely kind of wiped, you know, exhausted and just ready just to chill out, not doing anything.
Sandra
A lot of military members are. They live in an environment when they’re deployed where they’re basically, they have a list of things to get done that day, they may be in high stressful situations in their job. They may have seen and done things during their deployment that they are not ready to process or talk about with other people. The day of homecoming for sure military members, in my experience come home, very, very tired. A lot of them because they’re excited to come home too they generally don’t sleep the night before. They might be trying to get last minute things done because for the Navy, for the most part, they then get a chunk of time off as soon as they come home. And the army in the Air Force are quite similar, but for the Navy, you know, they may have upwards of 30 days off after they come alongside. So they might be trying to get all the paperwork done all the things they need to do for their job before they can sort of close up and come home and that’s exhausting. You know, you sort of have the adrenaline of homecoming day or homecoming morning as it usually happens here. And then that adrenaline goes away once you get in the car and you start heading back towards your home. And surprisingly, most military members are quite tired. They, you know, a lot of them just would rather have, you know, a home cooked meal and a quiet room and hang out. So homecoming is not what you see in the movies. It is not this military member is in their white uniform, running down the jetty to their spouse who’s in a dress and high heels and then they go off into the romantic sunset. That is not generally the case of what homecoming is like, and the reality is that when most of them get back to their homes both sides of the couple might be exhausted just from the adrenaline drop. But the at home person, maybe their desire is to go out and have a meal, go to a nice restaurant, see friends, if that’s possible. The military member, in some ways has been eating out for their whole deployment, at a food line, and they may want to have a home cooked meal or order takeout that gets delivered to their home. And then a quiet evening is usually what a lot of them are needing and wanting. The trick with couples dealing with reunion, or preparing for reunion and then the actual reunion is to communicate those things. And to be sensitive to both sides of that because both people have been having a different deployment experience. What they would want for homecoming might be completely different and opposite of what they think the other person might want. So communication is the key for sure.
Jon
Definitely communication is definitely the key, or do you have any tips for communication?
Sandra
Start early, so one should be starting to talk about homecoming, when they start heading towards home. So on the west coast, if you’re on a ship, traditionally, you’re going to have a one last stop, most likely in Hawaii or in Alaska. And then it’s about a 10 to 14 day transit, depending on weather and how fast the ship wants to come home. So once you’re sort of done with your missions, and you start heading home a month to, you know, two to three weeks before you’re actually going to come alongside, that gives both sides of the couple a chance to communicate sort of, what do they want to do that day? And what do they think they’re going to want to do, and maybe they’re going to start planning for a weekend away, or they’re going to start planning for a week or two weeks away. And like I said, one person may have totally different feelings and the other of what relaxation looks like when you’ve been traveling for six months on a military ship or on a deployment. Your idea of a relaxing vacation might be to stay in one spot for a couple of weeks in a cabin or b&b or somewhere else and you may have want to see friends and family where the other person maybe has been? Feels like they’ve been in one spot the whole time through the deployment. So they want to get out more and see a whole bunch of exciting things.
Jon
How long does it take to for couples to reintegrate and become couples again?
Sandra
That’s a good question. It’s one that’s asked all the time, how long does it take to get back to normal.
Jon
And I want to an exact time.
Sandra
I always say most likely, you’re not going to get back to what is your pre deployment normal, you will find a new normal as a couple, you’ve both changed over six months, you’ve seen and done things. And I say, to give yourself the same amount of time as the length of the deployment. So if you’ve been gone for four months, it could take you know four months of reestablishing your relationship, it could take four months getting back into the routines, for one person to let stuff go, for one person to pick stuff up. It takes a while to transition into that. If you’re having difficulty or if you’re seeing that things are not going as smoothly as you would like, then we recommend that you reach out for help either to the MFRC, or to the many different resources in the community. But to give yourself some time, it doesn’t happen overnight. It’s not like they magically wake up the next day and you’re the magic perfect couple again
You we’re talking about Hollywood, sensationalized reunion swept off the feet, and everything’s perfect. And then we go right back to normal. It seems like that’s the impression you always get, but yeah, when it comes to something like intimacy, and like, if you had any unfinished business, who, when somebody deployed, I’m sure that continues on.
Yeah, for sure. So lots of times, if couples have sort of that unfinished business, we’ll call it unresolved issues as a couple. They don’t magically go away when you are apart from one another, they could actually get worse. Or for a lot of couples, they just stopped dealing with it. So if it’s, you know, maybe you used to have issues talking about about your financials and things like that, or you used to have issues talking about whatever it may be, and then you just stop talking about it for six months during a deployment, it doesn’t mean that that magically has been resolved, it just means that it’s been buried and it’s going to come back up. The Hollywood idea of reunion is not for most people. I mean, there’s always that rare one or two, that that’s kind of what it’s like. But those couples have to work at that that’s usually not a first or second time deployment. Those couples, you know, make a concerted effort to reintegrate themselves with each other as a couple.
Jon
For myself as a guy. I always feel like when it comes to something like intimacy, I probably think intimacy and it’s just probably think of like physical intimacy. Is that right?
Sandra
Yeah. Yeah. And some women think that way too. But certainly when we think about intimacy, people are thinking of the the physical act, we forget that most couples I mean, your relationship there was a courting period you probably dated, you know, got to know each other before a true level of intimacy happened for you as a couple. Where now you’ve had six months of paired you may have to re-light the spark you may need to go on a couple of dates or walks or
Jon
Start from scratch
Sandra
From scratch a little bit. And to be kind you know, you’ve been apart physically for let’s use a six month deployment, but it can be any length. You’ve been apart, the person at home has been used to sleeping by themselves, they’ve been in their, their own bed, and they’ve it’s very safe environment. The person who’s been deployed has been for the most part, sharing space with multiple people, sometimes upwards of 30 people sharing one sort of Grand Master bedroom for lack of a better term. So they have different approaches to it. And especially for the at home person that’s been there bedroom has become a sacred safe space and to have to invite somebody back into that might take a bit. Romance isn’t the right way because not everybody’s into that level. But so certainly a bit of a conversation or a gentler approach than what maybe your pre deployment intimacy used to be like, where you had that comfort as a couple, you have to sort of get back to that comfort level as a couple.
Jon
And you mentioned communication. And I would just tell people, it’s like talking, it’s great communication. But making time for talking is that key in the whole intimacy thing
Sandra
I mean, if you can take some time to really meet one another as a couple, turn the TV off, turn your phone’s off, go for a walk, or stay home, sit in the backyard, you know, with your favorite beverage. It doesn’t have to be anything grandiose and amazing. You don’t need to go find the best hiking spot in your town to have this conversation. It’s about becoming intimate friends again. One would hope as a couple you are probably each other’s best friends. It’s re-getting into the intimate side of your friendship, trusting one another again, feeling safe with one another. Being able hear the other person’s feelings and how things went for them. Not getting into the competition of who had it worse during the deployment, that is not a good place to go for couples, because you will just want to one up each other the whole time. You know, but being able to hear about what each other’s experiences were.
Jon
Both people are valid, the both their experiences are valid, right.
Sandra
Both people are valid, absolutely. But depending on which side of the camp you’re currently in on that conversation, you’re gonna believe that your side maybe is more valid.
Jon
Which it should be.
Sandra
Yeah, absolutely. You know, I mean, you keep in mind things like military members, unless it’s part of their trade. They probably have not driven a vehicle in their whole deployment. They have not done laundry, they have not grocery shop, they have not worried about money. They haven’t probably paid a bill, maybe some I mean, virtually, but for the most part, there’s someone else taking care of that. And they’ve had lots of other busy work to do. I’m not downplaying how hard it is to be a deployed member, but it’s those when you’re coming back into the house. Things that you may be used to do, somebody else has been carrying those balls, and maybe they’re doing a great job, and they don’t want to let them go. And so couples have to renegotiate all of the different parts of being a couple, not just the intimate part, not just the who mows the lawn. It’s all the things that took place in the household kept running, while the military member was away. Now the military member has to figure out how do I integrate myself back into my home, without just taking over, you do want to give credit to the person who’s been the at home person who’s kept all of those balls in the air, just like the at home person gives credit and appreciates what the military members gone through. It’s not easy to go away from your home and your friends and family either. It’s a job that they do, and they do it very bravely. And lots of them don’t talk about it much. But it’s hard to do that. I mean, it’s hard to live in a 250 feet of a ship with 200 people who may or may not be your closest friends. You can’t get off when you want. You can’t just out where you want, there’s all the luxuries of home are not there. There’s lots of great parts about being deployed. And there’s lots of pieces that they miss about their home life when they’re deployed.
Jon
What are some tips you would give people to help them in this process?
Sandra
There’s a couple of things. So one of the first things I would recommend is, hopefully, they’ve been using the deployment app throughout their deployment. So as you go through your deployment, and you’re getting close to return and reunion, the app will switch over to preparing you and giving you tips and feeding you sort of suggestions on how to best sort of manage your reunion and tips from the pros, let’s say. Aalso, there’s some great videos you can watch that are on the website about return and reunion that sort of dispel some of the myths of that Hollywood reunion versus what a typical reunion is like. I would encourage them to try if they haven’t already through the deployment to meet other people from their members unit. So if you haven’t yet met somebody else who’s dealing with the same deployment you’re dealing with, you know, I can’t stress enough, that’s probably the number one tip I would give somebody is to learn from one another. You may have the best civilian friends out there, or the best friends out there who have who lived this lifestyle, but they’re not on this actual deployment. It’s not the same as meeting someone who is going through the exact same trip that your loved one is going through. So joining your family network, if you haven’t done already joining your family network Facebook page, if you haven’t already, because there’s lots more people were finding are connecting virtually, and then attending certainly if your MFRC is having a returning reunion, workshop or seminar, attend those and reach out if you need some help and suggestions.
Is there anything you tell people at these things? You know, if you’re feeling kind of out of whack out of sync that’s probably normal? Would that be accurate?
Yeah, all feelings are normal is what I tell people and it doesn’t feel normal to be out of whack. You may be sitting in a room with you know, let’s say there’s 10 people at the workshop, neither of them are saying how much they miss their military member and they can’t wait for them to come home. And you’re the one person sitting there thinking, well, I’m actually a little bit anxious of them coming home or I’m a little bit worried about them coming through the door, and what that’s going to be like, you’re not alone in those feelings. It’s easier to stay on the positive side of things. It takes a brave soul to say that they’re feeling concerned or worried or anxious about their military member coming home. But most people live on both sides of that fence, depending on what time of day what they’re looking at what they’re worried about. So certainly all feelings are normal. And I would really recommend people talk about their feelings, and especially as a couple, email your military member and tell them how you’re feeling. And that will open the door hopefully for your military member to email you back and tell you how they’re feeling. You may not get to see them on video chat or any of those things leading up to a homecoming so email might be the best that you get, and really talk about what that day also is going to be like. Do you want to have 15 people at the homecoming? Or do you want to just have yourself? Does the military member want to have all friends and family that can be there? Or do they just want to have just you? That’s also one of the biggest things that we we encourage people to talk about is the actual logistics of that day. Are you picking them up right away? Are you going to wait for them to call you? For a Navy deployment, there’s the opportunity to come down very early and experienced the whole sort of morning with other Navy families that are doing a deployment. If it’s something like you’re picking them up at the airport, it might be a very isolated experience where you might be the only one there picking up a military member and it could be just one or two coming in at a time. Or it could be a whole busload of them coming through on a on a different base. So every homecoming looks a bit different and that’s why we also encourage folks to as couples talk about it. As a military member may never have had a homecoming of this nature, just like you have never had a homecoming of this nature. So both of you need to sort of figure out what that’s going to look like. And who is going to be there is very important to talk about. If you don’t want your mother in law to be there, you need to say that, just like your military member, if they want to have their best friend from high school to show up as well, they need to voice that as well. Everybody needs to be very clear, so that, and I always say, to discourage surprising military members, if a military member is expecting one person and 30 people are at the homecoming that could really throw them off. Or if you’re expecting to be going down there by yourself and your military members arranged you know, a fancy limousine and flowers to be delivered and all these different things are going to happen to you that you’re not prepared for that could throw you off. So we don’t want anybody to surprise anybody as much as those look great on YouTube. I watched the military homecomings on YouTube, just like everybody else and people surprising their pets, and all those things. Those look great. But the reality is I discourage that especially with the way our homecomings go on this base.
Jon
After the homecoming, you’re back at home, where do you go from there? How do you just have to sit down and talk plans some time to kind of get to know each other again?
Sandra
In a way? Yes, like we said in the beginning, everybody’s probably tired. So if you can avoid any of these deep conversations, at least till the next day, and the day of homecoming, you just sort of go with the flow. You know, the member comes home, gear gets thrown around, there’s probably, you know, stuff that has to get picked up off the ship later in the evening, or they might go back in a couple of days. The military members still going to be a bit in workmode, their mind doesn’t turn off. And you’re also though at the at home person, the person at home is sort of in that mode of they have to take care of everything themselves. On day one, yeah, I wouldn’t try to have any deep meaningful conversations. But you were absolutely correct scheduling time, putting it into your family calendar or making sure that you make a point of saying we’re going to take a walk tomorrow, you know, with the dog, if you have one or something like that. You don’t want to make it seem ominous, like, you know, that can be really scary for either person to be like tomorrow at 10, we’re going to talk, you’re like, oh, goodness, what’s coming now you’re both concerned about what’s coming. Versus These are things you can plan out before the military member comes home to say, okay, you know, like, maybe we’re going to go away to a b&b or a we’re going to go camping and we’re going to go whatever or not. And during that time, I’d love to, you know, I really want to make sure we’re having our meals together. I want to make sure we carve out some time to talk to each other. And I will also carve out some time where we’re by ourselves, because you have two people who have as a couple spent a lot of time by themselves. And you can’t also just flip the switch and suddenly go back into having someone with you 24 seven.
Jon
Sort of sounds like you’re saying, gotta like, yeah, totally, like, ease back into everything. Ease back, don’t start off, go home and have those intense conversations. You know, you might just want to relax a little bit is a huge amounts of patience. But yeah, just yeah, easing back into intimacy, conversations, scheduling things. I guess not.
Sandra
Yeah, not too firm on your scheduling. But certainly putting it out there. Like if things you want to talk about, and then you do, you know, need to sit down as a couple and talk about your finances. And you do need to sit down as a couple and talk about your intimacy and reestablishing that and you, you do want to sit down as a couple and talk about your next family vacation or your next trip that you’re going to take or whatever it is that you want to do, you now have to get back into the mode of you are two people you have lived apart and you’ve done things primarily on your own for the duration of the deployment. So sometimes we forget to check in with the other person. We’re just like, well, I always go to yoga at 10 o’clock on Tuesday. Throughout this whole deployment, I’ve gone to yoga at 10 o’clock on Tuesday. But this might be a new thing for the military member may not be used to you doing that. Or maybe before the deployment, you guys had a Tai Chi Class on Tuesday at 10 o’clock. And you’ve now changed what was your schedule as a couple. And you need to let each other know about those things. But it takes time it takes some very, very patient conversations. Again, that’s why I would encourage those, especially if it’s your first or second time. If you can get out to meet other couples who’ve gone through this multiple times. They will have some of the best tips for you. They’ll add a sense of humor to it. Because it is really sort of ridiculous. You think as a couple that you spend half a year apart, and then you’re just supposed to magically get back together and walk in.
Jon
It’s totally comforting to hear somebody else state and talk about something that you’re going through and you think oh, I’m not alone. It’s awesome.
Sandra
That’s right.
Jon
They’re way worse than I am. We’re not doing that bad. We’re pretty good.
Sandra
Right, and we want as military couples, military couples also want to encourage other military couples, you want to sort of help people keep their relationships going in this lifestyle. It’s a challenge, or it’s a challenge to be with somebody who goes away a lot. It’s a challenge to be with somebody who, ultimately you cannot control where you live, where you work, and when you that might change on you and when they might go away. So if you can meet some other military couples who’ve been able to have the longevity of this lifestyle together with a sense of humor, with a sense of how you cope through it, and a lot of it is really through kindness. We’re very kind to one another when we’re courting and we’re very, very kind to one another when we’re in those initial stages and everythings, you know, you’re excited to see one another and you’re, you make all these different plans when you’re dating, and then sometimes that wears off with life and you became a couple that’s been established your team sometimes.
Jon
And, sometimes, it’s just because you feel safety.
Sandra
Absolutely
Jon
With that person and you feel like you can be unreasonable sometimes.
Sandra
So you move to a different level as couples, all the little things like maybe you don’t always brush your teeth before bed and maybe you don’t always shave your legs and, you know, and all these things that sort of are okay, as a start, you know, as you go on, you become more and more comfortable with one another. But maybe after deployment, you sort of you’re back to a bit of your more best behaviour with one another, you’re kind, you’re gentle, you’re, you know, you are watching sort of your behaviours around one another, until you get you find your new normal, and then you get back into your comfort zone. It’s fascinating and lovely to hear of couples who go through a courting phase again after deployment, and they re-learn who each other are in a different way.
Jon
I remember back when we were talking about preparing couples for deployment, I asked you what what is the biggest mistake and you said people not preparing for deployment. So when it comes to the reunion, the reintegration side, what’s the biggest mistake people make there?
Sandra
The biggest mistake is that Hollywood fantasy, where the person at home believes that everything has to be perfect that they have to be perfect, their house has to be perfect, they have to look perfect. And if all that is done, then they will get the sweeping reunion on the jetty. And then for the person who’s coming off of a ship, in our case, or out of the deployment, you know, for them to believe that they’re just going to sort of walk in the house with their loved one in their arms, crossed the threshold into the bedroom and everything will just go back to the way it was before on an intimate level. That’s usually one of the biggest mistakes couples make is they either rush into an intimate situation, a physical intimate situation that they’re not both ready for that they haven’t communicated about, or they haven’t communicated their expectations, then a lot of feelings get hurt and a lot of uncomfortableness happens. I would say my biggest word of advice is to take things slow that first day, be conscious of the fact that it’s probably both of you’re going to be tired and the adrenaline is going to crash on you. And also, I would encourage, if it’s possible for the at home person to take a couple of days off post deployment as well. Not necessarily right away, maybe, you know, the military member needs a couple days at home, on leave by themselves. That’s okay. But to be able to sort of plan some we’re both of you’re off work at the same time is handy as well.
Jon
So is there anything else you would mention to couples preparing for a reunion or reintegration?
Sandra
For the military members, I would encourage them to talk to their fellow peers in their unit. Try to find some time to talk to each other about what it’s like and gain some knowledge from them. For the at home person. What you’re feeling is absolutely normal, whatever it is that you’re feeling leading up to a reunion is normal and to honor those feelings and to, if you can reach out and meet other people who are in the same situation as you.
Jon
Thank you for coming back. Always great to talk to you, Sandra, you have a good day.
Sandra
Thanks.
Jon
To learn more about the deployment app, search MFRC deployment wherever you get your apps, lots of great tips leading up to and after a reunion.
Extro
Thank you for listening to this episode of The Military Lifestyle. To learn more about this episode. And to check out our other resources like the Deployment App, go to a Esquimaltmfrc.com A special thanks to Organize Sound Productions for bringing our idea to life. Please share this podcast with your military family or with someone living the lifestyle. Subscribe to The Military Lifestyle on your favorite podcast app. Your support is greatly appreciated. Thank you for listening.
